Sharif takes up a motorbike, Shujaat gets a tummy tuck

Pakistan has a new prime minister. His name is Yousaf Raza Gilani. The name is the same but the man is different. Gilani (along with Rehman Malik) is now the alumnus of the Altaf Hussain School of Public Speaking in London. A fluent speaker now, he has all the answers and looks towards both sides of the podium.

On BB’s 4th death anniversary, President Zardari gave her the good news of Bilawal’s grade improvement in Law College with a CGPA of 3.7. He has sold his French chateau in Normandy and bought one in Swat because the close proximity means he escapes controversy when visiting it. Due to the current inflation rate, he has also decreased his fee rate from 10 percent to 7 percent.

Altaf Hussain has returned to Pakistan because the male population in Sindh declined rapidly due to target killings and he was needed to buffer the effect.

Salman Taseer has quit using the vanishing cream that makes him vanish. His daughters have guided him to revert to the ancient turmeric and gram flour.

The ministry of Religious Affairs has been abolished and replaced by the ministry of cooking affairs because unlike religion, the fervour for food is equal and across the board.

Maulvi Fazlur Rehman has updated his premiership dreams after the departure of Anne Patterson. Knowing that US ambassador Cameron Munter appreciates Tikka diplomacy, Fazlur Rehman has been sending Munter pots -- "Tittar battair" -- with cards on them saying "If you make me the Prime Minister, I will add the spices."

The best surprise came when Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain got a tummy tuck in a Gujrati hospital.

Shahbaz Sharif has quit his VIP transport and permanently taken up a

motorbike, like he did during the flood days.

Altaf Hussein and Nawaz Sharif came to visit together. Both sat in a corner and discussed power crisis and hair care products.

Chaudhry Nisar and Haider Abbas Rizvi have stopped discussing other people’s marriages on screen. Both the leaders have decided that Karachi should be a peaceful heaven on earth now.

Altaf gave Nawaz a smooch on the cheek, just like he gave Mayor Kamal Mustafa in London.

Babar Awan (who gave his Haris Steel Mills case fee as zakaat last Ramzan) came with an envelope which contained a surprise sweeter than imagined -- a doctorate degree under my name from our very own Monticello University. "Can you get me a Matric certificate also?" I requested. "Next year," he promised. And, nowadays, he keeps all his promises.

Altaf Hussein and Nawaz Sharif came to visit together. Both sat in a corner and discussed power crisis and hair care products.

Chaudhry Nisar and Haider Abbas Rizvi have stopped discussing other people’s marriages on screen. Both the leaders have decided that Karachi should be a peaceful heaven on earth now.

Altaf gave Nawaz a smooch on the cheek, just like he gave Mayor Kamal Mustafa in London.

Babar Awan (who gave his Haris Steel Mills case fee as zakaat last Ramzan) came with an envelope which contained a surprise sweeter than imagined -- a doctorate degree under my name from our very own Monticello University. "Can you get me a Matric certificate also?" I requested. "Next year," he promised. And, nowadays, he keeps all his promises.

This piece was published in the News on Sunday on 2nd January 2010.