How to handle your Wife!

Well , you can rightly say that I have never been married to a woman
But I sure can give you tips on how to handle her- being a woman myself...

1) She doesnt want you dead (despite the torture)and will never kill you....cuz the pension she will get after your death will be less then the pay she gets now..
2) Dont ever smoke in front of her cuz she doesnt want the kids tuition money wasted on your heart surgery..
3) If she complains she deserved a better man then youbelieve her..cuz she definitely did but that man has been unavailable for the past 5 million yearsso a compromise was inevitable
4) If your phone bill has halvedthat means your mother-in-law is dead
5) If you want her to retain her interest in you here is a list of questions you should ask her daily..she will start believing you are her best friend and never leave you..a) what did my mom do to you today? B) why did my sis call today? C) Who was wearing what at work? d) What did Einstein prove? (something she will never discover because its not there in the Suspence Digest..)
6) Always ask her to stop saving and spend money on herself even if her shopping spree makes you bankrupt..
7) Never tell her you love her.this is a sign of your infidelity...
8) Dont provide her with solutions when she brags, she does it for the sake of doing it..
9) The conclusion of all your discussions should be that she is superior in intellect and charactercompare her to everyone and point out how sophisticated she is..

Remember..wives can torture you on all occassions..you are at her mercy in the car and the bedroom so beware- remember how the alarms annoy early in the morning ..thats what wives can become for eternity-an unwanted eternal alarm of death..