Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Bro and Our "Dirty Talk"

Well , many times my mom has accused me of putting dirty things in my bro’s head. Well that’s certainly wrong! I only want his welfare. Just a few days back I saw him running after the daughter of our housemaid.
I advised him to stop because the maid is poor…” Why don’t you go after the neighbor who has a cycle. She can give you a ride. She has a lot of money too. Her dad can buy you a BMW once you marry her.”
He went upstairs and asked my mom and asked if he can marry the neighbor and the next thing I know is my mom running after me with a slipper in her hand.

What the heck….It was for her welfare ….Does she want a poor daughter-in-law?

Before my Chacha came from Canada….I asked my bro to marry his daughter….
“ She has a Canadian Passport….You can buy as many cars in Canada as you want….”
And when we were sitting in the dining room having dinner.
My bro asked “Chacha can I marry you daughter because she has a Canadian passport.."
“Who told you that beta?”
“Baji “ he said pointing to me but I wasn't there of course... I was under the table hiding from the deadly blows of my mom….What the hell …..I did it for her own good!! Does she not want free healthcare? So that she could go for a vacation with her Bahu

…..** Bhalai ka tu Zamana hi nahi**….

Heard of the song by Kishore:
Merey Samney waali khirki mein
Eik chand ka tukra rehta hai..
( In Front of my window lives a moon-face)

Well I made a funny song out of it……
Merey Samney waali khirki mein
Mera purana boyfriend rehta hai
( In front of my window lives my ex-bf)

And one day when we were all having lunch and my sister started singing it. My mom asked where she learnt it from…….I was of course under the table by then... but being a highly sophisticated and intelligent individual she said she heard it on TV! That’s my girl!

This blog is a piece of fiction.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Pakistan's Love Funda

Love is all Pakistanis think of. Now take the case of India. They got a flood of dating and free &ex and now there is an overflow of the cases for AIDS.
One basic difference between a Western woman and Easter woman is that "no strings attached" doesn't exist for the latter. She eventually hopes to get married.
Girls learn this when growing up:
One God
One Book
One Prophet and
One man.

Pakistan boys have a piety syndrome. They need to have fun with the fun girls, but want to marry the so-called conventional/ghrailu ones.
Love is a package. The package includes many dreams and hopes, expectation along with failures, pain, wastage of time and in the case of us women, many tears. This filmy Heer Ranjha thing, in which the girl boy are ready to leave anything and everything is rare. Sometimes I am forced to asked:
Do you think it fair to leave the parents who gave birth and money to raise us up and that too for someone we know very little?
The how did Madhuri win fame for after sucha thing in that movie "Dil"?
Probably she related to the masses. lol.
Strangely these folks are ready to revolt when parents want to get them married to someone else, but never revolt against martial law or corrupt Governments/NRO.
The nation is detracted…Why don’t they go for research, and do what Thomas Alva Edison was doing in his teenage?Selling newspapers and working on his own newspaper. Or many other great scientists and artists did in their youth? Why don’t they pay attention to the declining classical music in the sub continent or rising human rights violations etc?Why are they bothered over a soul mate when in reality their own soul is lost....

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Miracle of Saree

Women have stuck a cloth at their waist, supported by a top since ancient times.
Well I have been seeing saree since I was a kid. My mom wore it on her Valima- a blue Saree with a fancy shawl.
Usually the banarsi saree is common on Pakistani weddings because it looks more royal and expensive. Chiffon is the second most common. The problem with chiffon is it slip too often and is see-through ( especially around belly where most people have stretch marks or fat). It thin, soft and slippery and that of course makes it all the more sultry.
Saree is majestic. It has been worn in India since 2000 years. Worn in Bangladesh, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Nepal, India etc- it rightly represent South Asia. A cotton saree is airy in summers . Worn in all colors, designs and weathers. Whites is meant ( but not exclusive )for widows.
Many tourists wrap and wiggle in the loose cloth. But Saree needs to be carried. You can stitch a shalwar kameeze and jump, hop, become a jungle queen
(or play tennis like Pakistani female players)but not a Saree. You need to behave yourself. Hold it, pin it on the right places, let it fall on your left arm ( or right) and do not let your heels become visible as you walk ( also not stumble on something).
I personally prefer a little back showing, you can wrap it without showing later.
I remember seeing Mumtaz’s back often in the movie “ Aap Ki Kasam” and womdering why mommy doesn’t show off her body like that…In fact as a kid I was bereaved by the fact that I won’t be able to wear one being a good Muslim. But that was me at five……
The front part of the saree that is actually tucked in at the waist, can be stitched too. Well if the saree isn’t carried properly, it looks like a stack of cloth, wrapped around one’s body. Have you ever seen the painful image of Naseebulal in a Saree. If you want to wear it like that wear a dhoti instead……Many Pakis have worn Sarees, Farida Khanum, Iqbal Bano but no one became the Queen like Noor Jehan did…..
Noor jehan was a risky, brave and bold when it came to sarees……
She has worn bottle green and yellow in silk…..white Saree made of Tissue and one very beautiful pink Chiffon she wore in the song……..” Humari saanso mein ajj tak woh hina ki Khushbo mehak rehi hai…..”
In India…..Well that’s a hub of Saree wearers…..But Rekha was exemplary in the movie Silsila ( Dekha eik khwab tu yeh silsley huey…..)
And Yes……The former Miss world in Hum Dil Dey chukey Sanam…..
But… glam girl did it better then Sush in Main Hun Na…My oh my……The first scene in which she emerges in the college with all that air in her hair……breathtaking…..along with Sharukh Khan slipped the entire audiences…..
Well I don’t know why gowns are such a big hype at the Oscars….if Catherine Zeta Jones knew what the sublime show of contours in a Saree , the allusion of every curve behind that long Paloo and the slight ( but enchanting ) bareness of the back can do……she would never brag about some long maxi…..I also wore a Saree on my farewell…..It does need a little maintenance ( the tucked-in paloo which can slip away) but with a Saree , u don’t need to do a lot of work with your hair and jewellery. The Saree is where the magic is.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Do we all want love?

Wife: Do you find me preety or ugly?
Husband:I think you are a bit of both. I think you are preety ugly!

Not all but most people are looking for love,.... the boy-girl love....we probably realize as a toddler, after seeing Aishwarya ( or perhaps Madhuri or Reema etc depending on parental practice)playing the preety damsel and being chased by hunks start haunting us. Perhaps something like Freud suggested happens within our sub-conscious and we want to switch places and gain the attention, affection and wealth of an illegible bachelor. This becomes a permanent desire and possibly a bedtime longing- the other better half that somewhere out there, looking for us.
Love has a few roots in instinct also, and not just fantasy. By puberty the desire to spread our seed is already awakening, when the "L" word starts striking a chord....LOOKS!Remember the preetiest girls in the college were the first one to get married ( if not laid). Over thousands of years our brains have been programmed into finding the best genes to attain the perfect little offspring ( kaka)and the picture perfect looks are the most well balanced and suitable genes, promising our offsprings maximum survival, the perceived fittest. Hence the bulging belly or pimply face is unhealthy and unattractive at the same time.
And why does growing old bug us? The wrinkles and white hair spell disease and infertility. Therefore- balding skulls and slowing gait = not a reproductive superman!
A growing number of youngsters are falling in love, sometime head over heals . Its an epidemic.It serves as an escape and a chance to get away from the tension of life! Imagine your parents are negligent, divorced, seperated or economically unstable , wont it feel good to imagine the lover boy/girl coming to rescue- intended for life?And this too at a meager price of a chemistry test or quarrel with a colleague...
How bout finding something more productive then reproductive?like reading, cinema, write, paint, social work, reform to salvage humanity...
2 billion people are poor, Why not help them?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Bubbly Key Naam

I know you are young and innocent....but I also know you are growing-up I have to tell you a few things, Bubbly....before you are a grown up...
Grown ups are not like you Bubbly....they are sensitive creatures who dont like being hurt and deprived of things they need....and they don't cry when hurt will have to figure it out urself that they have been hurt...this is'nt all,Bubbly- you will urself end up being hurt and unable to cry it out....sometimes people will take your kind motives as clever tactics...on other times simply fail to understand ur intentions and on many occasions...ur labour and love will go unnoticed....but that is just a part of life....
Bubbly...every day is a hurdle....but dont get entangled in them....aim high...become the astronaut u always wanted to become...or marine biologist or anything.... Dont get back at those who pissed you off...unless their actions are harmful to the soceity and you want to prevent them from doing it....
Though life maybe unkind- to be forgiven at the must learn to forgive yourself and those around you...
Remember- life moves in circles....There is a hidden price for everything...what you do might come back to be careful... The more you read- the more human you become....we have a common ancestory with animals...we need to make special efforts to become more human... Head lice are irritating and unhealthy- so wash your head daily...
Last but not the least- we live in the kingdom of God....and you have your own tiny contribution in this be responsible....
Your Baji ( Big Sis)


I have a little boy in the family who studies in an elite school. At first, I was happy with it but since I started this environmental science course, I have been robbed of my mental peace.
Initially when I used to see those diamond studded aunties in sparkling new cars I used to bargain with my driver. Ofer him an increment of 500 for cleaning my car and adding the sparkle. Diamonds are unaffordable, what's the harm in car sparkle?
Now I look at those cars and wonder. How much water do they waste everyday for sparkling the cars? The car sparkle sprays must be a billion dollar industry, pouring waste in the Atlantic and Pacific without giving a damn for the millions of fish in there….
How much land did they deforest in Africa to reach these diamonds? If you sum up all the ecological benefits of one tree, the total cost is $196,000… and this is something elitist diamond aunty is unaware of and never paid for... Every environmentalist will have a tussle with the economists….
I have this junior and friend in economics department. She came running down to me today, her pony wiggling like a horsetail and a smile beaming like a rabbit…. I suddenly had the feeling we will be separated by life….I hugged her tightly…
" Promise me you will never leave me, Meena!"
" Never Baji! Never!" said the rabbit face. (Wait till I make a motion against the $28 billion CFC producing industry …nightmare for every economist….)


Death is frightening. However people are dying all the time and some of them happen to be your loved one…
But in this particular case, she was'nt really a loved one,just a relative…who used to drop by on every Eid…sometimes on a shadi, sometimes for tea…..but when you drop by at someone's place for 20+ years…then there is a degree of attachment…you remember what they looked like 10 years ago…15 years ago…last week and then you realize….you will never see them again….and that gives you a sinking feeling….
Aunty Teera was not a very warm, in fact a very status conscience and materialistic person…
But then who is not…when we see a Gucci watch…we realize it is expensive…we know who has the bucks…wether we envy the owner or not….that's another story…
Had she had several kids, all of them well-settled and married with kids, it would have been a different thing…..her son is unmarried and daughter is divorced…and they were in Ireland…when she passed away…her son had got a job there, after years of financial constraint, she had some fortune, which she never got the time to spend….I didn't see the deceased person's face- because I want to remember them as they were alive- thriving, happy, sad, angry and responsive to what you say, not white and cold and dead…
It's life they tell you, and you hear it, but it's hard to understand that one day you will wake up and the person you live with is gone…
Since I have old parents, such events are threatening…..I saw my mother, sitting there in the corner- 40 years ago, she and her husband had taken a bus to Rawalpindi to see the girl for Chacha jee…the girl was B.A pass…her brother was M.A economics, the rishta was done, the couple had a son and daughter…and now, the woman was gone- forever…there was alot of noise when they came to pick the coffin, women screaming, men howling and one yell of Kalma-e-shahadat...shaky....
I wondered how Ammi felt right now, knowing the dead one for four decades...playing an active role in her life...It is then I realized how awful it would have been for her to mourn her own little one, to see them pick her up and take her away....I often forget her but she reminds I know why she remembers her even when the World took me 20 years to understand this....
Big chacha and Small chacha were married together…both young women entered the family as brides, only one was left now, mourning...
Her daughter kept saying that she gave her mother new shoes, and a new shawl when she was going to the hospital, as if she was a bride…and her mother waved her when she was going to the hospital, had she known she wasn't coming back- she would have gone with her……That's the way it is. We are such fools, we live without realizing this uncertainty ...

Marriage( shadi)

I remember '93- when I went to Karachi to Baby phupho's shadi! Back then it was not hazy at all. People were getting married all the time and there was ample of chicken karahi and palao for one to enjoy. A family photo ( a couple of more pix if you hover around the stage alot…), aunties and chachi mammi dancing like crazy- ( I always tried to dance but came back disappointed- there was nothing like Madhuri in me) street hawkers to sell you whistles and candy and a lot of running around the hall, playing chor police and baraf paani…
But now it's not the same…
First of all… get out of the bed and dress up…and make an attempt to look presentable…then have to go there and wait for the Baraat and when the Dulha arrives…hope the Khana also arrives, because now they can ask u to get going after a Pepsi bottle or Mirinda…
Then when the Dulhan arrives you can hear the Chachi Mammi whisper….Haiiii Ather Shehzad ney make-up kiya….oyee Maria B ka lehnga hai….I got my daughter a maroon one….saw this one too….maroon was 350,000 and this red one was less expensive….
And then you finally get up- go close to the stage and see the one who looks like a cream cake covered with apple jam…
Its her big day…she has been waiting in the locked tower for this day…the day her parents arranged the prince to arrive on the horseback….
May be she is madly in love- desperate to have his kids and bills and the house rent and the tour of France when he his Bank's delegation is going …and the shopping in Dubai for their honeymoon….
And then, maybe she is not that much in love….may be wondering what happened to the classmate who used to slip a love letter in her chemistry notebook…
And the one who used to throw a flower when she used to walk to her tuition….or wondering if Saasu ma likes her…or when with the sister-in-law get married away...who will cook the rotis and will the devar bhaiya live in hostel...
Yesterday I was at Sonia's home…
Her mom was sitting under her bridal picture….there she was in the picture….red as a cherry…golden on the dupatta…the jhumkas and nose-ring….a couple of rose petals in her lap…
And now the white in the hair showing…. the hairline receding…eyes hidden behind the cloudy glass of the spectacles, along with the obscured dreams and hopes of her youth….the wrinkles slowly creeping in where the nose ring was the day she became a bride, her big day…the day her parents arranged a prince to fetch her from the locked tower….


" The best way to save your honor is to stay away from love. Men use girls, then marry the one their parents like, or catch a rich one, stupid girls fall for men…put the honor of their family at stake. Thank god Allah has saved me from this ****."
This was Abira.
"How many times have you fallen in love Abira?"
"Never!" and she gave me a smile of triumph.
Yea…it is a victory for a 20 something, healthy ,literate woman of today to never have a beloved….but how rewarding is it to not have a lover…u miss being courted by a serial killer, skip being dated by a man whose wife pops up on the dinner table and ruins the romance, no heartburns or teen pregnancy, omit all chances of a scandal…( except the one that u are a lesbian)…..miss the concerned one,someone to share you coffee with on foggy winter eves, and pakoras on rainy days, the love notes, the phone calls and the new reality of finally having someone who understands…and the lessons he or she teaches you…about yourself…. Because you open the windows to them which you have never opened before….because you never realized they existed….
Love can be fulfilling….you can share, care, talk and get a lot of caring-sharing in return…
You might get heartbroken, or out of love, there might be an anti-climax…but the experience is worth it…you understand that love is something you lack control over , how it gives you the energy to do things-like crossing the ocean, and how to care and get get cared of in return and above all…you learn to put yourself in the shoes of all the lovers on this planet (including Sharukh)…
Ashi has been in love since six years…..i often ask her why does she love a man who will never love her in return…
"Juss to think of someone when I cross the hallway…"…sigh…That's the way people are…..
Last week was a happening one.
On last tuesday there was a Tutorial of my college magazine, a yearly event that every college club organizes.We had a discussion on the Importance of Media today.
Lots of Media Personel were there,
1. Tariq Amin
2. Seemi Raheel(actress who comes in Olpers commercial and she is also a fellow from Harvard Medical College)
3. Surmad Khoosat (of Shashlik Fame)
4. Faisal Shahid ( T.V actor)

Seemi and Faisal initially beleived that work is being done on the media but goes unnoticed when people have so much choice.... but later when Tariq Amin admitted that if Star Plus was there 10 years ago they wud still watch it...and then it turned out that everyone agreed with him....
Soaps are commercially rewarding and therefore favourite for the producers ....unlike children's program which dont generate as much revin as plays and megazine shows do....
The discussion was the first of its kind that I had ever experienced...

On Wednesday i Went to Christian wedding in the Cathedral...never been inside a cathedral before....the bride looked like the heroine in Shrek..covered in white mud and wearing a beautiful white dress( they rent dresses) angelic....all the relatives were in sarees and lehngas and everything....even the kids wore saris lol...

The Drama Festival took place this friday and had LGS, LUMS,KC and UET taking part in
LUMS and UET came up with humour---the same old parodies and skit-like comedies...that have as lil grey matter stimulation as possible lol...UET did Punjabi...Sultan's Rahi's was uncouth and grotesque on many occasions.......but KC had a tribute to Marie Anne Schimmel...a serious drama..comment on the modern man and suggested refuge in Sufism (thats what i think)....a arrogant , intolerant guy learns to be humble and humane.....atleast someone came with something original... "Bishna" was called...
LGS also hada a semi comedy in which two men fell for the same girl but unable to express....alot of hard work was put in the co-ordination and dance-like movement...

Happy Birthday!

Historically the 29th has of this month has been a crazy day for me…since the day I gained consciousness…. I had the perception that it's special…. But why?
It's special cuz it's the time when the clock started for me…
As a kid- the birthday revolved around distributing sweets in class…. and then the attention moved to cake…. and friends and then parties but now things have changed much more dramatically….
Why did it become a special day? Perhaps we are brain-washed from kindergarten onwards that it's a special day so that we can bring the teachers a cake…or perhaps they wanna teach us excuses to be happy and celebrate and buy those party deals with a free cake at McDonald's and KFC. Or perhaps they wanna feed in us to be cheerful about are age before the existential dilemma hits our lives like Katrina hit New Orleans…And above all….to be contended with the fact that its passing away…
Or may be we naturally like the feeling that we came on this planet…but then the folks who never noticed the day they popped should face a dilemma…. of not having enough days to celebrate and utilizing Mc Donald's (my sis calls it Matotal) birthday deals…
Would life be different if u had no idea when the clock begun….?
Perhaps. They can change the age without feeling guilty, or juss switch the number… my great-granny thinks she is 100 although she is only 85 or so….and GIK could regret in his grave that he died too soon by considering himself 53 rather then one week short of 93…..juss an excuse to regret one's death….


The day started on a WAR OF TERROR note...the maulvi ji my mom always takes us to is political-religious-historian and all top of that he has a passion for proffessing...the pitch went up and down...while the crowd got up , hugged, kissed each other and left.....while we ( the literates) sat in the sun and heard him move from the israelis to was like sitting on a plane and having a nap and being transferred from one continent to another....with the sun shining over ur shoulder....
It as the first Eid ever when i didnt get a dress...
i wanted to to see what would happen.....u see....not much...juss a lil longing when i saw all those shimmery females strutting their stuff after the eid prayer.....i feel more thingie i can live without...But i shud have got Henna and bangles...juss lazy i guess....
What was missing in the EId?
Not much....our drawing room was like a well(kuwah) which people fell....u poured coke and the bombarded ur face with all sorts of cakes....vanilla, coffee,choclate...
90% of the people who come on Eid....i have never seen em before and never will see them again......and yet we end up makin conversations and promises of a next meeting.....a day full of quick relation making and the hydrogen bonds in water....

My Little Girl

Well , many times my mom has accused me of putting dirty things in my bros head. Well thats certainly wrong..I only want his welfare. Just a few days back I saw him running after the daughter of my maid. I told him to stop because the maid is poor why don't you go after the neighbor who has a cycle.
"She can give you a ride on her cycle, she has a lot of money, her dad can buy you a BMW once you marry her." He went upstairs and asked my mom if he can marry the neighbor and the next thing I know is my mom running after me with a slipper in her hand. What the was for her welfare .Does she want a poor bahu. Before my Chacha came from Canada I asked my bro to marry his daughter.
"She has a Canadian Passport.You can buy as many cars in Canada as you want."

And when we were sitting in the dining room having dinner..My bro asked Chacha "Can I marry your daughter....she has a Canadian passport..."

"Who told you that beta?"

"Baji" he said pointing to me..but I wasnt there...I was under the table hiding from the deadly blows of my mom.What the hell ..I did it for her own welfare-so that she could go for a vacation with her Bahu ..Bhalai ka tu Zamana hi nahi.

Heard of the song by Kishore:

Merey Samney waali khirki mein Eik chand ka tukra rehta hai..(in the window next door lives a moonface..)

Well I made a funny song out of it

Merey Samney waali khirki mein Mera purana boyfriend rehta hai...(in the window next door lives my ex-boyfreinds...)

And one day when we were all having sister started singing it....And when my mom asked where she learnt it from...NO..being a highly sophisticated and intelligent individual she said she heard it on TV.Thats my girl!

What you want from your kids?

What do you want from ur kid ?

Father: A son forgets his dad and dad forgets his son- what day is that?
Son: When the food is served on the wedding.
Here is a list of the don'ts:
Though i dont have any kids as yet,what i don't require from them is simple.

- Act like a rubber ball: desenstized to humanity and unconcerned them of the suffering of people. This happens and is hugely responsible for Pakistan not progressing. The upper and middleclass knows they will get out of it and therefore don't give a damn about politics, poverty and other social issues. Since it does'nt bother people they don't take any action. People should have enough imagination to symphathize or atleast put themselves in other people's shoes and understand their suffering.

-Consider the west superior.This happens on every level. The west is developed and has been developed for a long time. The fair skin, english accent, straight hair are all considered su[perior. we were ruled by the english for so long, we and the rest of the world that we identfy them as superior. ( some people think that the blacks who straighten their hair have the same issue.) Keyword, try adopting the good things from every culture and be proud of the one you have, even if spitting and farting in public is common in your own homeland.You don't have to adopt it and it doesnt mean your own culture is pathetic....its just different.Even the Government licks the western boots.

-Prejudice: What prejudice means is trashing someone else for the simple reason- being different from what you are i.e a different religion,language,culure,race,country, the minority, opposite sex, gays, the disabled,ill ...and above all ,people with a different viewpoint e.g US is the greatest nation or men are superior or muslims are fundamentalists....hating people for being different sucks.

-Adopting stereotyped roles:Well many men fall for the idea that they havta be macho and do everything for the family like bringing home men, controlling the finance and every policy at home.It gives them extra power. Many women tend to believe that housewives are honourable , they should work only when needed not otherwise. This provides women with leisure. Yet it has adverse consequences. Men have extra and sometimes absolute power that they can manipulate. They become independant in decision-making and what in reality is the right of the family, can be turned into a prevelidge they allow.They can withhold cash which can troublesome of the family.
Also, they can get overworked. Women loose power, less options, choices and freedom of decision making. Plus their mind and energy is wasted in unproductive activities.

-Accept injustice: Many people accept the injustice of the soceity as a norm and dont challenge it. Like corruption or bad laws. Reality can be wrong, and nothing should be accepted because it is widespread or common or socially accepted.Like racism,sexism,dishonesty,corruption,crime etc.

-Not Questioning: Understand that questioning the current belief, idea and knowledge pays more then accepting it. Plus my folks should be responsible,caring,wise and mature cuz in the end it pays!

Death of a Beloved

Few years ago an English teacher told us of a married couple whose bathroom was occupied by a cackroach one day and the wife gave her man a clear ultimatum- Either I live in this house or else this lizard. The husband realized how little harm and poison the cackroach contains as compared to his wife but was forced to kill it.
Cruelty to insects is common in all parts of the world. This cruelty comes with a heavy price in terms of time and energy. People would stay up all night to kill a spider rather than finishing a maths assignment. Rather then worrying about the Hisba Bill or General Musharaff vanishing in a rusted PIA plane- they worry about the roaches eating their pudding while they take an afternoon nap. (cackroaches are called roaches in North America.) Plus the roaches cant eat as much of the pudding as politicians who I heard even eat the bricks away too. You see- no one will ever pick up a broom and give Benazir a hard time with it.
In Britain they have an NGO to protect the ants (not aunts silly) from injustice. You see- there are 1 billion ants for each human being alive. The sheer size of the population makes their rights more important then the 500 living in the Guatanamo Bay.
The other day me and Chachi were watching a Chinese channel where they were eating roaches and having a ball. The degree holder from Alhuda therefore declared eating roaches haram. So all you cockroach delicacy loving Muslims BACK OFF! I then informed Chachi of the more important haram stuff going on in places closer to us then China. A large number of streets kids, almost 15000 in Karachi alone- are busy in prostitution. Most of their clients are Truck driver- this makes them prone to many diseases, infections and drug addictions.
Which one is more disgusting? Being a Chinaman and eating a cackroach or being a 15 year old and having sex with an HIV+ ?
I am waiting for the day when someone declares Either I live in this country or the blood thirsty Islamabadi cackroaches.

DIASCLAIMER: The author hope she hasnt hurt the feeling of anyone with this article- I am not talking to you Idiot, I am talking to the Roaches!

How to handle your Wife!

Well , you can rightly say that I have never been married to a woman
But I sure can give you tips on how to handle her- being a woman myself...

1) She doesnt want you dead (despite the torture)and will never kill you....cuz the pension she will get after your death will be less then the pay she gets now..
2) Dont ever smoke in front of her cuz she doesnt want the kids tuition money wasted on your heart surgery..
3) If she complains she deserved a better man then youbelieve her..cuz she definitely did but that man has been unavailable for the past 5 million yearsso a compromise was inevitable
4) If your phone bill has halvedthat means your mother-in-law is dead
5) If you want her to retain her interest in you here is a list of questions you should ask her daily..she will start believing you are her best friend and never leave you..a) what did my mom do to you today? B) why did my sis call today? C) Who was wearing what at work? d) What did Einstein prove? (something she will never discover because its not there in the Suspence Digest..)
6) Always ask her to stop saving and spend money on herself even if her shopping spree makes you bankrupt..
7) Never tell her you love her.this is a sign of your infidelity...
8) Dont provide her with solutions when she brags, she does it for the sake of doing it..
9) The conclusion of all your discussions should be that she is superior in intellect and charactercompare her to everyone and point out how sophisticated she is..

Remember..wives can torture you on all are at her mercy in the car and the bedroom so beware- remember how the alarms annoy early in the morning ..thats what wives can become for eternity-an unwanted eternal alarm of death..

The American Island

My brother started going to school last year. The school is like a North American Island in the middle of Lahore, with blondes and brunettes casually but expensively dressed. People just fly past you, stopping by every now and then to say "hello" and moving on without waiting for a reply. Just a sign of civilization to say hello to the person you are flying past.
When I look at those white legs ( including the Chinese legs.) I wonder how they manage to keep them waxed all year round while Abida the maid mumbles "Haw hai Baji! Inney tey dupatta wi nai litta huya!"
This reminds me of the times when I had caught her watching XXX movies in the middle of the night…What a smart way of acting innocent...
I now wonder if my lil bro will ever find-out that juss a few kilometers away is the Wahga border from where our Grandpa narrowly escaped death to become a part of a new nation based on the theory that Hindus (notice-not Americans) are a different nation from us…
Will he ever find out how to escape an angry bull and prevent oneself from falling in cow dung…
And how it feels to fall into the cold naala on a hot summer afternoon….
But right now he is thinks October is pronounced "Octouber" and when asked why we bring the Bakras at our place once in a year…he said its for celebrating thanks-giving…..eating muffins, donuts, cookies, apple pies……what the hell...


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