Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tips for Would-be Brides!

My good friend Mona is getting married. And I thought, why deprive her of my gems of wisdom?
So here are some tips on how to treat your husband:

1. Never beat your husband , no matter how tempted you are because:
a.He is your husband
b.He is most probably your only husband
c. Log kya kahein gey?
d.Its against the Human Rights Charter ( yes the ambiguous document discovered in '47)
e.Since you will be in USA, he can get you jailed for this. Indeed US jails are not as bad as Pakistan's but what if the send you to Guantanamo Bay? Phir maza ayega?

2. Watch Desperate Housewives. They apparently have very crunchy lifestyles despite being home-makers.

3. IF you live with your in-laws watch star plus soaps. They teach one how to steal, pretend to be the heroine yet back-stab, tackle infertility accusations, insults on God Barahi, infidel husbands , how to crush your bitch of a saas or saukan. Above all, how to pretend doing the household chores in one ton of make-up and designer Saree.

4. If your husband is over-sexed, show him a live performance by Rakhi Sawant. Precaution : Either he will become sexless or gay. So do it at your own risk!

5. Think you will have to serve him for eternity? Well I had an aunty who slept while her husband made the breakfast, prepared fresh orange juice. In fact he made an extra cup for her and placed it in the fridge. Now this is what you call a set-up! lol

6. Suspect he is an infidel? Get his credit card, and shop till you drop! Spend so much that he barely has $5 left to stop at Mcdonald for a Happy meal! ( Happy meals make girls unhappy)

Disclaimer: These tips have been improvised after observing other people ( stuck in crappy marriages) , implement them at your own risk!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Magic Cup

Last month I was presented with a poetry mug. The mug as the name suggests is nothing ordinary. It was based on the poetry film, Panun Pan Parzun, which eventually won the viewers choice award for all the right reasons. The mug however, will change your life!

Areej Riaz, who was also fortunate enough to attain the mug commented:
" My hair were all fizzy and life-less. I had to straighten , dye or condition them everyday." complained Areej. " But since I started taking coffee in the magic mug, my hair have started growing softer, calmer. If I continue the coffee intake, I am sure very soon I will beat Deepika Pudokonee on hair softness."
Reports are that since these hair growth miracles, Nawaz Shariff is also trying his luck on the mug. He was discovered in Raiwand, Lahore, drinking lassi in the magic cup. He got in a quarrel with his brother Shahbaz Shariff when the latter wanted to share the lassi and consequently the hair growth miracles. This is the first time in 30 years that a quarrel has been reported between the two brothers.

But is the miracle restricted to hair care?
Not at all. Jitendra Ramprakash, the Sadho curator can verify.
" I have a voice perfect for voice-overs, but my singing was pathetic." ( Just pathetic? He almost killed us!)
" But eversince I started drinking in the magic cup, my singing is improving. Not only am I quickly learning when to sing, but also when to stop. And my music teacher was so happy that he allowed me in his house, let me touch his harmonium for five minutes and even offered me Boti Kabab!"
" How did you repay your teacher?!"
The answer was just what we expected!
" I presented him the magic mug!"
On being asked what one should drink in the cup for the optimum results he said anything.
" However I won't suggest you poison yourself with it. Since it emits positive energy, you might wake up behind the bars on charges of "killing yourself" rather then in heavens."
This is not the end. Many girls awaiting a good marriage proposal for many years now have reported to find their "Mr.Right" after close contact with the cup. How exactly these ladies found their way into their beloved's heart is currently inexplainable.
Furthermore, ever wonder how the NFC award got signed? The award regarding the division of resources among the Pakistani provinces has been due since 13 years. Then how did this miracle happen now?
Well the news is that after their personal hair growth miracle, the Shariff Brothers, gave this new recipe to Zardari. Although the latter has no known hair issues, the attempt was to mellow the President a little. Therefore, the Prime Minister fed him special Kashmiri Tea.

My friend Amana went so far as to gift the mug to Lahore's Power Development Authority in hope of reducing electricity shortage. She says an icy drink in the mug makes her immune to the heat, like a cold blooded reptile.

And here is what happened to me. Since last year I had an uncontrollable/painful crush on Obama. But when I happened to go and watch the movie My name is Khan, immediately after having tea in the magic cup, I realized how absurd and sentimental Barrack is .And of course the age difference and his marital status also became more visible. And since then, Obama entered my life's ignore list. He is since then increasing drone attacks to gain my attention but I won't budge. So people! Go and grab this magic mug now and change your life!

This blog is a piece of fiction.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

2nd Sadho Poetry Film Fest - Behind the scenes 04

Sidharth Saxena was standing outside Franciase Alliance. After a successful screening of his movie, Chail he was already wondering what to wear at the Oscars, hoping his size would increase at least a couple of inches more. A journalist approached him. The journalist was one of the greatest journalists of India, notorious for confusing even the most single-minded of people.

Journalist: Aren't you the guy who made a movie on monkeys.
S: Yes.
J: What inspired you to make it?
S: My Dad.
J: Age?
S: 13
J: The monkey?
S: No me.
J: And name?
S: We have yet to decide it.
J: You have yet to decide your name?
S: Oh me. I am Sidharth.
J: And if you had to name him, what would call him?
S: Charles Darwin?
J: You think you were a chimp in your last life?
S: Maybe
J: What good did you do you do to become human this time?
S: ( hit you with a cricket bat) I directed planet of the apes.
J: If you made a T.V serial what would you call it?
S: (pauses) Monkey jaisa koi nahi?
J: Or maybe Kyunkey Insaan Bhi kabhi Bandar tha?
S: May be.
J: And the name of your movie? Bandar Apka hai kaun?
S: No. Zoowaley Bandar ku Lay Jaingey.
A photographer came and started photographing him.

Sid: ( Should I give the full smile? No. Too much of tooth show. Doesn't go with poetry.)
Sid turned right. Then left. First gave the toothy smile, then the decent one.

Photographer: Kid, can you never move aside? I am trying to capture the background here.

Just then Nandan, Sid's father and Parijat Kaul came.

N: My turn!Gimme the mike!
S: What do I get in return?
N: A descent lifestyle?
S: Not convincing!
Parijat: Oye! I will speak now! You guys have already spoken!

The two were snatching mike from each other, when both Sid and the journalist realized it was time to escape to the safe zone.

This blog is a piece of fiction.

Friday, March 12, 2010

To dear Taliban

Dear Taliban- we are not handing Pakistan to you! We are millions, you are few, we are educated you are not, we are humans unlike you so God is also with us!You can bomb us but not shut us up! Musalman hu tu samney aoo, chup chup kur bumb na barsao!

Yeh mulk humanara hai!
Issey Humnein sawara hai!
Dushman ka nahi guzara hai!

This country is ours,
We adorn it
The enemies won't survive

The civilized society is unitedly condemning these attacks!

One of the most ironic facts are, that these people attacked on the auspicious Muslim day- Friday. They attacked the people who were going to mosques, in the second Jumah of March. Now who would say these are muslims? Who gave these jerks an idea that they can take over our country and run it as they desire? We wont let this happen. Period.

Incidentally it was Habib Jalib's Death Anniversary. Jalib was one of Pakistan's foremost poets, popular for his pro-people and sensitive poetry:
Here is a poem by him that befits the current state of events:

Bagiya Lahoo Luhan
Haryali ko aankhen tarsen bagiya lahoo luhan
Pyar ke geet sunaoon kis ko shehar hue weeran
Bagiya lahoo luhan
Dasti hain suraj ki kirnen chand jalaye jaan
Pag pag maut ke gehre saye jeewan maut saman
Charon ore hawa phirti hai le kar teer
KamanBagiya lahoo luhan

Chhalni hain kaliyon ke seeney khoon mein lat paat
Aur nahjaney kab tak hogi ashkon ki barsaat
Dunya walon kab beeteinge dukh ke yeh din raat
Khoon se holi khel rahe hain dharti ke balwan
Bagiya lahoo luhan

The Garden Is A Bloody Mess

This poem is about the oppression in East Pakistan in 1971

Our eyes yearn for greenery
The garden is a bloody mess
For whom should I sing my songs of love
The cities are all a wilderness
The garden is a bloody mess

The rays of the sun, they sting
Moonbeams are a killing field, no less
Deep shadows of death hover at every step
Life wears a skull and bone dress
All around the air is on prowl
With bows and arrows, in full harness
The garden is a bloody mess

The battered buds are like a sieve
The leaves drenched in blood smears
Who knows, for how long
We’ll have this rain of tears
People how long do we have to bear
These days and nights of sorrow and distress
This oppressor’s blood bath is a frolicsome play
For the mighty of the world, a mark of their prowess
The garden is a bloody mess

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Thanks for Bombing Our Neighborhood!

On the 8th of this month, I was absorbed in Tagore's Binodini ( Choker Bali novel) at 8:30 in the morning. Just when a fight scene between the heroine and the hero's mother started, our house shook like a blade of grass. A loud blast was heard that left everyone dazed. At first I thought the stove exploded. Then I thought the next door under-construction house collapsed. But finally we realized that the SIA office near-by, which had been too prominently insecure to be ignored by terrorists was finally down.
First we were all shaken. Because it was too loud, our window panes broke and people started running on the streets. Somewhat chaotic. Then I became angry and hateful of the bombers. But my teacher reminded how we need to understand them before despising them. And the whole day people called us, offering their prayers and good wishes.
Many people are now requesting the Government to remove all sensitive offices from thickly populated areas.
Another concern is, since the window panes were broken all around the town, hopefully the terrorists are not using radioactive materials. The Government needs to investigate the chemical composition of these bombs, and save us from possible hazardous exposure.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Cricket, Hockey And Kakori Kabab

I have to congratulate the Pakistani Cricket and Hockey team for their commendable performance in the last few months. The credit has to be shared among the management, the Hockey Federation, PCB, Sports ministry along with the hard work and skill of the players.

When Shahid Afridi licked ( or sucked or whatever) that ball I was in India. And an Indian (beloved friend) was very amused at this discovery and asked me Afridi's intent. Sigmund Freud would have said Afridi is stuck at the anal stage. But of course the attempt was more then just remembering ones toddler days. If he had new teeth coming he should have gotten tethers, to bite. Perhaps he sucks everything when the mangoes are out of season. But the face he made after sucking the ball, we know , that he realized mangoes taste better. When Malika Sharavat dances in an underwear on stage and gets in trouble with the Maharashtra Government, do I question my Indian friend about her intent? He doesn't have to tell me she is stuck at the phallic stage. ( This is between him and me, plz don't give our personal quarrel an Indo-Pak shade)

Afridi's coming of age takes a strange turn!

By the way, in which "Poodle Academy" did Afridi learn this cricketing technique?

There is a quote from the Indian Classic "Pyaasa" which befits the Pakistani Cricket Team too :

Vijay: Apne shauk ke liye pyaar karti hai aur apne aaram ke liye pyar bechti hai.
[For the sake of her hobby she gives her love, and for the sake of her comfort she sells her love.]

"Apne shauk ke liye cricket khelti hai aur apney aaram ke liye cricket bechti hai."
[For the sake of her hobby she plays cricket and for the sake of her comfort she sells cricket.]

When Sachinda made a 200 ( bless him), many Pakistanis were bereaved that Syed Anwar's record broke. Now all sports records are meant to be broken, and why waste our sadness on cricket records. Why not just look at Altaf Hussain and shed tears of frustration? You might start biting cricket balls yourself once you hear him.

Fool! This is the time to play and not pee!

Pakistan hockey team- I can suggest some food in Delhi. Wait? Didn't we send them there to play hockey? Just like the days of our Olympic Hockey glory, I feel nostalgic for Delhi's Raagi idlee, wara pao and dosa.
So I have a polite request for brother Sohail Abbas. Since you are not bringing the Hockey World Cup for us from Delhi- can you please bring us some Kakori Kabab?

Friday, March 5, 2010

A Morning in the Race Course

In early March the winters in Lahore start receding and Spring takes over. This is not very pleasant since it marks the steady arrival of a long and unforgiving summer. So this Wednesday morning I went to the Race Course Park with my friends. The park is near my college. The Sun was veiled in the clouds and the morning was dewy. A lush green covered welcomed us, and we were lost in the sensual pleasure for a while.
There was a rude awakening. Two men started running near the bench we were sitting on. One even started ridiculous boxing exercises a few feet from us, despite having a huge park at his disposal. After sometime a huge guy called us from the track
" Mein apsey dosti kurna Chahta hun"- " I want to befriend you!"


Let me not mention the several dozen men who stared blankly at us while walking on the track.

Another guy in school uniform came and said.
" Aap kitni pyaari hain" " You are so pretty" - to one of us. We wanted to tell the boy he is almost ten years our junior but we knew this is all an outcome of uncontrolled raging hormones.

Then we decided to go to KFC. On our way a sweet guy stopped and said
" Meri eik baat sun lein." " Let me say one thing."

In KFC, a group of school boys ( in uniform) came, who were singing songs to every girl coming there- " Tum agaye hu noor agaya hai."
" Lal dupattey walli zara naam tu bata"
And so on. These too were almost ten years our junior and when they started harassing us, my friend said :
" It is ok. My little teenage brother is also like this. This is the coming of the age."

When the " macho men" heard this, they suddenly became quieter and controlled. (lol)
So this is a golden formula. Sweetly go and imply they are growing up.

But this is very sad. Women in Pakistan cannot even have leisure time in a park?
Just because some women are alone, does it mean they are seeking boy friends?
Is this not an invasion of privacy and very ill manners to disturb women sitting in parks and walking on the streets?

Another funny thing. When we were about to enter the Race Course, the gatekeeper said, we don't allow students in. Just then a car full of young men and women entered. He allowed them. Then again stopped us. This was news, since we have been to the Race Course many times. We told him this.
But it is funny that instead of stopping all those men, they stopped us. Was this to prevent us from dating or else from being harassed? Is this the best they can do?
When I listen to my mother's pleasant stories of her student days, it is astonishing what has become of this country.


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