Tips for Would-be Brides!

My good friend Mona is getting married. And I thought, why deprive her of my gems of wisdom?
So here are some tips on how to treat your husband:

1. Never beat your husband , no matter how tempted you are because:
a.He is your husband
b.He is most probably your only husband
c. Log kya kahein gey?
d.Its against the Human Rights Charter ( yes the ambiguous document discovered in '47)
e.Since you will be in USA, he can get you jailed for this. Indeed US jails are not as bad as Pakistan's but what if the send you to Guantanamo Bay? Phir maza ayega?

2. Watch Desperate Housewives. They apparently have very crunchy lifestyles despite being home-makers.

3. IF you live with your in-laws watch star plus soaps. They teach one how to steal, pretend to be the heroine yet back-stab, tackle infertility accusations, insults on God Barahi, infidel husbands , how to crush your bitch of a saas or saukan. Above all, how to pretend doing the household chores in one ton of make-up and designer Saree.


4. If your husband is over-sexed, show him a live performance by Rakhi Sawant. Precaution : Either he will become sexless or gay. So do it at your own risk!

5. Think you will have to serve him for eternity? Well I had an aunty who slept while her husband made the breakfast, prepared fresh orange juice. In fact he made an extra cup for her and placed it in the fridge. Now this is what you call a set-up! lol

6. Suspect he is an infidel? Get his credit card, and shop till you drop! Spend so much that he barely has $5 left to stop at Mcdonald for a Happy meal! ( Happy meals make girls unhappy)


Disclaimer: These tips have been improvised after observing other people ( stuck in crappy marriages) , implement them at your own risk!

The Magic Cup

Last month I was presented with a poetry mug. The mug as the name suggests is nothing ordinary. It was based on the poetry film, Panun Pan Parzun, which eventually won the viewers choice award for all the right reasons. The mug however, will change your life!

Areej Riaz, who was also fortunate enough to attain the mug commented:
" My hair were all fizzy and life-less. I had to straighten , dye or condition them everyday." complained Areej. " But since I started taking coffee in the magic mug, my hair have started growing softer, calmer. If I continue the coffee intake, I am sure very soon I will beat Deepika Pudokonee on hair softness."
Reports are that since these hair growth miracles, Nawaz Shariff is also trying his luck on the mug. He was discovered in Raiwand, Lahore, drinking lassi in the magic cup. He got in a quarrel with his brother Shahbaz Shariff when the latter wanted to share the lassi and consequently the hair growth miracles. This is the first time in 30 years that a quarrel has been reported between the two brothers.

But is the miracle restricted to hair care?
Not at all. Jitendra Ramprakash, the Sadho curator can verify.
" I have a voice perfect for voice-overs, but my singing was pathetic." ( Just pathetic? He almost killed us!)
" But eversince I started drinking in the magic cup, my singing is improving. Not only am I quickly learning when to sing, but also when to stop. And my music teacher was so happy that he allowed me in his house, let me touch his harmonium for five minutes and even offered me Boti Kabab!"
" How did you repay your teacher?!"
The answer was just what we expected!
" I presented him the magic mug!"
On being asked what one should drink in the cup for the optimum results he said anything.
" However I won't suggest you poison yourself with it. Since it emits positive energy, you might wake up behind the bars on charges of "killing yourself" rather then in heavens."
This is not the end. Many girls awaiting a good marriage proposal for many years now have reported to find their "Mr.Right" after close contact with the cup. How exactly these ladies found their way into their beloved's heart is currently inexplainable.
Furthermore, ever wonder how the NFC award got signed? The award regarding the division of resources among the Pakistani provinces has been due since 13 years. Then how did this miracle happen now?
Well the news is that after their personal hair growth miracle, the Shariff Brothers, gave this new recipe to Zardari. Although the latter has no known hair issues, the attempt was to mellow the President a little. Therefore, the Prime Minister fed him special Kashmiri Tea.

My friend Amana went so far as to gift the mug to Lahore's Power Development Authority in hope of reducing electricity shortage. She says an icy drink in the mug makes her immune to the heat, like a cold blooded reptile.

And here is what happened to me. Since last year I had an uncontrollable/painful crush on Obama. But when I happened to go and watch the movie My name is Khan, immediately after having tea in the magic cup, I realized how absurd and sentimental Barrack is .And of course the age difference and his marital status also became more visible. And since then, Obama entered my life's ignore list. He is since then increasing drone attacks to gain my attention but I won't budge. So people! Go and grab this magic mug now and change your life!

This blog is a piece of fiction.

2nd Sadho Poetry Film Fest - Behind the scenes 04

Sidharth Saxena was standing outside Franciase Alliance. After a successful screening of his movie, Chail he was already wondering what to wear at the Oscars, hoping his size would increase at least a couple of inches more. A journalist approached him. The journalist was one of the greatest journalists of India, notorious for confusing even the most single-minded of people.

Journalist: Aren't you the guy who made a movie on monkeys.
S: Yes.
J: What inspired you to make it?
S: My Dad.
J: Age?
S: 13
J: The monkey?
S: No me.
J: And name?
S: We have yet to decide it.
J: You have yet to decide your name?
S: Oh me. I am Sidharth.
J: And if you had to name him, what would call him?
S: Charles Darwin?
J: You think you were a chimp in your last life?
S: Maybe
J: What good did you do you do to become human this time?
S: ( hit you with a cricket bat) I directed planet of the apes.
J: If you made a T.V serial what would you call it?
S: (pauses) Monkey jaisa koi nahi?
J: Or maybe Kyunkey Insaan Bhi kabhi Bandar tha?
S: May be.
J: And the name of your movie? Bandar Apka hai kaun?
S: No. Zoowaley Bandar ku Lay Jaingey.
A photographer came and started photographing him.

Sid: ( Should I give the full smile? No. Too much of tooth show. Doesn't go with poetry.)
Sid turned right. Then left. First gave the toothy smile, then the decent one.

Photographer: Kid, can you never move aside? I am trying to capture the background here.

Just then Nandan, Sid's father and Parijat Kaul came.

N: My turn!Gimme the mike!
S: What do I get in return?
N: A descent lifestyle?
S: Not convincing!
Parijat: Oye! I will speak now! You guys have already spoken!

The two were snatching mike from each other, when both Sid and the journalist realized it was time to escape to the safe zone.

This blog is a piece of fiction.

To dear Taliban

Dear Taliban- we are not handing Pakistan to you! We are millions, you are few, we are educated you are not, we are humans unlike you so God is also with us!You can bomb us but not shut us up! Musalman hu tu samney aoo, chup chup kur bumb na barsao!

Yeh mulk humanara hai!
Issey Humnein sawara hai!
Dushman ka nahi guzara hai!

This country is ours,
We adorn it
The enemies won't survive

The civilized society is unitedly condemning these attacks!

One of the most ironic facts are, that these people attacked on the auspicious Muslim day- Friday. They attacked the people who were going to mosques, in the second Jumah of March. Now who would say these are muslims? Who gave these jerks an idea that they can take over our country and run it as they desire? We wont let this happen. Period.

Incidentally it was Habib Jalib's Death Anniversary. Jalib was one of Pakistan's foremost poets, popular for his pro-people and sensitive poetry:
Here is a poem by him that befits the current state of events:

Bagiya Lahoo Luhan
Haryali ko aankhen tarsen bagiya lahoo luhan
Pyar ke geet sunaoon kis ko shehar hue weeran
Bagiya lahoo luhan
Dasti hain suraj ki kirnen chand jalaye jaan
Pag pag maut ke gehre saye jeewan maut saman
Charon ore hawa phirti hai le kar teer
KamanBagiya lahoo luhan

Chhalni hain kaliyon ke seeney khoon mein lat paat
Aur nahjaney kab tak hogi ashkon ki barsaat
Dunya walon kab beeteinge dukh ke yeh din raat
Khoon se holi khel rahe hain dharti ke balwan
Bagiya lahoo luhan

The Garden Is A Bloody Mess

This poem is about the oppression in East Pakistan in 1971

Our eyes yearn for greenery
The garden is a bloody mess
For whom should I sing my songs of love
The cities are all a wilderness
The garden is a bloody mess

The rays of the sun, they sting
Moonbeams are a killing field, no less
Deep shadows of death hover at every step
Life wears a skull and bone dress
All around the air is on prowl
With bows and arrows, in full harness
The garden is a bloody mess

The battered buds are like a sieve
The leaves drenched in blood smears
Who knows, for how long
We’ll have this rain of tears
People how long do we have to bear
These days and nights of sorrow and distress
This oppressor’s blood bath is a frolicsome play
For the mighty of the world, a mark of their prowess
The garden is a bloody mess